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Grieving and healing

This last month has been strange in so many ways. Beginning of the year should mean new beginnings, but the mind shrunk away from that thought. How can it be only 1 year since I lost the man? Has it been just 380 days since the man is no longer a physical part of my everyday life? Seems longer...so much longer...

 So what has really changed in this last year?

- I have become quieter. The excitement of sharing anything and everything with him...that is gone. The chatterbox has become quieter. A long trip away with so much seen and experienced - and the mind kept telling me that once I reach home, I won't have Manosh to share it with.

- I miss speaking in Bangla. Ma would always talk about how much I love the language and how I would miss speaking it if I married a 'non Bengali' - and I would dismiss it all. Sheer coincidence then that we fell in love and loved speaking in Bangla with each other. So many words, phrases and emotions in a language that don't come through in another.

- The mind accepts and rejects his not being there - visiting a stunning bakery in another place - and I turned to my friend to tell her 'we must make a video of this place and send it to Manosh. He will love it and love making all this.' All this with the simultaneous thought of his not being there.

- Letting go of material things - Manosh would always joke that I would never ever let go of things.  While he always lived simply, I would hoard. Not letting go - of clothes, fragmented cups from our trips together, chipped enamel ware that was bought together. And now, letting it all go comes so easily. Losing the most important, precious part of your life does that you, I suppose. 

The last 2 weeks of travel have helped me heal - I don't cry copiously while writing all this - just slightly. I am stepping forward consciously and knowingly, without him. 

 No idea what the future holds for me...

But this is where I am at. Stepping forward with baby steps. One hour and one day at a time, with a mantra that is my favourite - 'could be better, could be worse'.

 

A selfie with a soft serve. In a place we travelled to together. And where I went alone. 
To hold on to these memories and also let go of some of them.

 

-  

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