Loose Change

Long days that end with A great dinner and  A glass of wine  Quiet evening  Watching a film  Laughing and turning around  To share that laughter, only to know  That you’re not around I know you’re gone But what does the heart do? At times like these? I know you’re gone But do these tears know it too?                               The man in his element. Crafting away. Working with his hands.                                                   ( Photo courtesy our friend Juni)

Never did I think, I would find someone like the man. Who would have thunk? That he would ground me... And make me fly at the same time? A friendship that just deepened, And felt right from day one. The soul mate I was not even looking for... And who, with his smile with that broken tooth,  Would leave me feeling weak kneed. Who would have thunk? That two people so averse to commitment... Would fall in love with the word 'forever'? The forever though was not to be. Just shy of 20 years and... I am starting life anew. With conversations with you in my head, my sweetheart. And support from our friends.  There will come a time when,  I will laugh and not feel sad right after. Just not today. Just not today. Us on our 18th anniversary Sharing a link to the song which I would sing ALL THE TIME with him. It took me about 6 years to find the actual song to share with him. He refused to believe that it was an actual song :) Thought that I had made it up! The song I would sing AL...

Witnessing climate change with such rapidity is alarming, worrying, disconcerting, disturbing, worrying, troubling.... And then one goes out for a brief walk in the garden. To witness decay and life.                Decay and new life To witness new life pushing through in the midst of all that is going wrong. And that helps... It allows me to step forward for one more day. Breathe and carry on for another day. Fall in love with life just a little. As I miss the man, and as I try and come to terms with his absence. Mother Nature is walking alongside as I try and work this one out.                

Spring and summers are rolling around. The mountains while struggling with varied climates, are bursting into their many hued shades of browns, yellows, greens, reds...  Nature at it's finest. Most summers, my phone and camera would be filled with photographs. Lovely no doubt, but a lot of them. This year somehow things are different. While a lot is being seen, not everything is being documented. At least not in a way that can be shared with the wider world. Some of it is just in my heart. Where I carry out silent conversations with the man. Talking about the interplay of light and shadows - his dear love. Showing up in places where one needs to stop, pause, slow down. and breathe. Yes, the tears flow.  Every single time.  Because missing him is such a constant that is hard to describe. Nature though as always forces its way in. With its light, its brightness, its vibrance, colours and life.  Making one laugh out loud at its silliness and gasp at its beauty. And...

There is this strong independent woman inside me, who sometimes feels it to be unreal. I have a full life, contributing to the society, doing my own bit. Can drive, cook, do basic first aid, can manage finances (reasonably well)...how is it that with all these positives, the only thought that is always always overriding all this is how much I miss the man.  The other half, the one with whom my thoughts and sentences were complete. Who made me laugh, who understood and noticed small details that would fool everyone else.    The man did love the winter light     Jotting down a list of things (in no particular order), that I miss about him - His hands - the man had the most beautiful hands that I have seen till date. Long artistic fingers that bore truth to his love for working with them - be it the sourdoughs that he learnt via YouTube or his leather work or the ferments or the photography or the hand-crafted diaries or his cooking. - That broken tooth in the fron...

    About 5 months and a little more since I lost my best friend, my confidante, my life partner. And since then, I have tried to find solace in different things. Gardening and making the space all that we spoke of. Together.  Making cheeses in flavours that I think will work. Making plum confit with the abundance from our garden.  Manosh would always talk about my understanding of flavours and how I would love experimenting with different ingredients and creating something completely new.   Trying to do things that we loved doing together. But doing them alone.  Resuming cooking and enjoying the flavours as I keep experimenting with different ingredients in my food. And somewhere feeling...that am I moving on? Am I not keeping his memory alive in me?  And then, another voice makes me go and look and his photograph and have this conversation. Ask him if he feels this way?  No clear answers as I stumble along. Finding and charting my way through th...

Years ago, I knew (deep down in your guts, take on the world kind of knowledge) that I was destined to learn French. I was in love with the language.The food, over the top mannerisms and the Gallic exclamations - I was enchanted by all of it. I took the next logical course of applying for a language course. National level entrance exams made the entry tough - or so they said. But you know the naivety and certainty of youth, right? No, no this bit has a happy ending. I did get admission, started the course, was getting A levels; enjoying every minute of it all. So of course, I had to screw it up. Pretty much like a lot of things that I've managed to, in life. An abusive relationship, lost friends, and more. I couldn't handle it anymore and ran away.  I didn't lose weight, but I did continue running for a very long time. I didn't really find myself, neither did I know what I was looking for. Some years back though, some of it changed. I have found my so...

Oh! That's not fair. I'm not an album person at all. In fact this question was the perfect 'out' for me to not write today. However, I do love music. I listen to it at all times, in all moods and seasons - sometimes to escape reality. And sometimes to remind myself of the real world. My favourites would be a wide mix - from Hindustani Classical to Jazz.  When Rodrigo y Gabriela start playing the guitar, I wear that wide flared skirt and dance the perfect samba (or is it the salsa?). And when Pandit Jasraj sings, I'm in this saree wearing a large bindi in an almost meditative trance. Ella makes me feel loved, wanting to be loved some more and sensual. And Nina Simone starts a yearning deep down, which I rarely express knowing that it will most often be misunderstood. With Leonard Cohen, I become his groupie and travel the world with him. And yes. It's all in my head. But the places music takes me, I would never have gone otherwise. ...

My mother stayed young throughout her entire life. Not a wearing hippie clothes, doing outrageous stuff kind of young. But learning something new each year, applying that and looking at the world with fresh eyes kind of young. In comparison, I have felt old many times. When I've not risked enough, when I've not said that I'm hurt enough, or when I've not been spontaneous enough. So today (it's evening already, but who cares!), is a brand new day. I'm going to start doing at least two things that I really, really love. And the toughest part? I'll continue doing these, even when it gets tough, when I'm running short of time, when I'm running long on excuses and even when I'm not loving myself enough. Beginning with baring my soul here. Everyday.