Loose Change

Witnessing climate change with such rapidity is alarming, worrying, disconcerting, disturbing, worrying, troubling.... And then one goes out for a brief walk in the garden. To witness decay and life.                Decay and new life To witness new life pushing through in the midst of all that is going wrong. And that helps... It allows me to step forward for one more day. Breathe and carry on for another day. Fall in love with life just a little. As I miss the man, and as I try and come to terms with his absence. Mother Nature is walking alongside as I try and work this one out.                

Spring and summers are rolling around. The mountains while struggling with varied climates, are bursting into their many hued shades of browns, yellows, greens, reds...  Nature at it's finest. Most summers, my phone and camera would be filled with photographs. Lovely no doubt, but a lot of them. This year somehow things are different. While a lot is being seen, not everything is being documented. At least not in a way that can be shared with the wider world. Some of it is just in my heart. Where I carry out silent conversations with the man. Talking about the interplay of light and shadows - his dear love. Showing up in places where one needs to stop, pause, slow down. and breathe. Yes, the tears flow.  Every single time.  Because missing him is such a constant that is hard to describe. Nature though as always forces its way in. With its light, its brightness, its vibrance, colours and life.  Making one laugh out loud at its silliness and gasp at its beauty. And...

This last month has been strange in so many ways. Beginning of the year should mean new beginnings, but the mind shrunk away from that thought. How can it be only 1 year since I lost the man? Has it been just 380 days since the man is no longer a physical part of my everyday life? Seems longer...so much longer...  So what has really changed in this last year? - I have become quieter. The excitement of sharing anything and everything with him...that is gone. The chatterbox has become quieter. A long trip away with so much seen and experienced - and the mind kept telling me that once I reach home, I won't have Manosh to share it with. - I miss speaking in Bangla. Ma would always talk about how much I love the language and how I would miss speaking it if I married a  'non Bengali'  - and I would dismiss it all. Sheer coincidence then that we fell in love and loved speaking in Bangla with each other. So many words, phrases and emotions in a language that don't come through ...