If the grief won't get to you, the paperwork will

Days pass by and it seems like yesterday, but also aeons since I lost my partner. My best friend. How do you explain this grief that refuses to go away? Grief that seems to have made a home in a tiny space in your heart? Grief that 'allows' you to laugh, but also makes you feel strange about that laughter.

Just when you think you are figuring things out, taking one tiny step forward, and feeling like you are moving ahead...wham! The paperwork starts...

Sending his death certificate - over and over again - looking at his age stated on the certificate - 53 years 10 months 6 days, and having it committed to your memory. Letting people know that yes, you are the only surviving member who is still alive...

And then doing it all over again. 

And again. And once more.

Days when the pain in your leg is outweighed by the pain in your heart. Pain that doesn't allow sleep to help your body run away from that pain, even for a moment. Days when you would like to join your yoga class (you have been up most of the night anyways), but that debilitating grief keeps you away.

All these pass through your mind as you wait for sunrise and another day. Grateful for another night that you survived your demons.

Suddenly, the winter light catches you in the eye...you look up and see the sun's first rays coming up over the hill opposite your home. And you breathe. You soak in the gentle warmth of the sun, catch the first rays on your face and just sit and absorb the silence. Let it all become one with you. 

You take a deep breath and you know you have made it through to another night. Onto another day.