growing old is a lovely feeling!

Birthday coming up sometime soon...and thoughts of growing old keep cropping up as well. Here's a list, in no particular order (excepting the first one!), which tells you why I so love the aging process...at least for now ;)

1. A fabulous, fantastic life partner who's a friend first.

2. Few, not many, friends. Friends who get my jokes, my feelings, my emotions, my happy days and not so happy days. Who're there for me...when I say that, I really do mean it...they're always there for me.

2. Enjoying the work I do...voluntary and paid work...I am at a phase in life where I actually take on projects that I have fun writing...it's a lot of learning, a lot of unlearning and sometimes a lot of stress...but apart from all that they're always fun!

2. Finding peace within myself...being comfortable in my own skin is the biggest thing I've achieved recently...I know I need to lose some more weight, but I'm getting there...in the meantime, I'm just comfortable with the extra weight I have...it comes in useful to throw around you know!

2. I know I'll sound horribly soppy as I say this...but the family I have? It's seriously the kind of family you'd want to show off :) A mother who's trying to learn something new every single year - that's her way of staying young. My father who still works 12 hour days and whose energy levels leave most of us tired! My brother who's....(it'll sound like hero worship, so I'll cut it out)...I'll just say he's quite unique...those of you who know him will know exactly what I mean! And a sister-in-law whose wisdom and love...whose advice...stays with me every single day!

Told you it'll be soppy!

2. Enjoying life in general....no particular reason really...it's just a nice feeling to be happy :)

It actually takes very little...and almost very few material things to really enjoy yourself...what do you think?

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Almost a year

There is this strong independent woman inside me, who sometimes feels it to be unreal. I have a full life, contributing to the society, doing my own bit. Can drive, cook, do basic first aid, can manage finances (reasonably well)...how is it that with all these positives, the only thought that is always always overriding all this is how much I miss the man. The other half, the one with whom my thoughts and sentences were complete. Who made me laugh, who understood and noticed small details that would fool everyone else. The man did love the winter light Jotting down a list of things (in no particular order), that I miss about him - His hands - the man had the most beautiful hands that I have seen till date. Long artistic fingers that bore truth to his love for working with them - be it the sourdoughs that he learnt via YouTube or his leather work or the ferments or the photography or the hand-crafted diaries or his cooking. - That broken tooth in the fron...

If the grief won't get to you, the paperwork will

Days pass by and it seems like yesterday, but also aeons since I lost my partner. My best friend. How do you explain this grief that refuses to go away? Grief that seems to have made a home in a tiny space in your heart? Grief that 'allows' you to laugh, but also makes you feel strange about that laughter. Just when you think you are figuring things out, taking one tiny step forward, and feeling like you are moving ahead...wham! The paperwork starts... Sending his death certificate - over and over again - looking at his age stated on the certificate - 53 years 10 months 6 days, and having it committed to your memory. Letting people know that yes, you are the only surviving member who is still alive... And then doing it all over again. And again. And once more. Days when the pain in your leg is outweighed by the pain in your heart. Pain that doesn't allow sleep to help your body run away from that pain, even for a moment. Days when you would like to join your yoga class...

Grieving and healing

This last month has been strange in so many ways. Beginning of the year should mean new beginnings, but the mind shrunk away from that thought. How can it be only 1 year since I lost the man? Has it been just 380 days since the man is no longer a physical part of my everyday life? Seems longer...so much longer... So what has really changed in this last year? - I have become quieter. The excitement of sharing anything and everything with him...that is gone. The chatterbox has become quieter. A long trip away with so much seen and experienced - and the mind kept telling me that once I reach home, I won't have Manosh to share it with. - I miss speaking in Bangla. Ma would always talk about how much I love the language and how I would miss speaking it if I married a 'non Bengali' - and I would dismiss it all. Sheer coincidence then that we fell in love and loved speaking in Bangla with each other. So many words, phrases and emotions in a language that don't come through ...

Loose Change

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