Loose Change

We have had a long weekend break for Diwali. 6 days where I had planned to catch up on all work in the first couple of days. Then read those books that I have been itching to reach, for the next 2 days. And of course, go for long walks and resume my yoga.  That was the plan.  What I hadn't planned for, was the grief.  Making marigold garlands to string across doorways was left midway. As I remembered how Tonmoy would not celebrate anything, but participate in everything that I'd do. So the garlands would not be strung on ordinary thread, but the one he used for his leather work. The waxed string would hold the shape better. I would then use the same threads to string up the flowers to dry, which would then be powdered and kept for Holi.  Diyas were washed and dried and wicks made with cotton. And both were left separate. The urge to light a lamp was overshadowed with the sadness that surrounds me like a cloud. One that holds me in a space where the heaviness wears me...

Days pass by and it seems like yesterday, but also aeons since I lost my partner. My best friend. How do you explain this grief that refuses to go away? Grief that seems to have made a home in a tiny space in your heart? Grief that 'allows' you to laugh, but also makes you feel strange about that laughter. Just when you think you are  figuring things out, taking one tiny step forward, and feeling like you are moving ahead...wham! The paperwork starts... Sending his death certificate - over and over again - looking at his age stated on the certificate - 53 years 10 months 6 days, and having it committed to your memory. Letting people know that yes, you are  the only surviving member who is still alive... And then doing it all over again.  And again. And once more. Days when the pain in your leg is outweighed by the pain in your heart. Pain that doesn't allow sleep to help your body run away from that pain, even for a moment. Days when you would like to join your yoga class...

    About 5 months and a little more since I lost my best friend, my confidante, my life partner. And since then, I have tried to find solace in different things. Gardening and making the space all that we spoke of. Together.  Making cheeses in flavours that I think will work. Making plum confit with the abundance from our garden.  Manosh would always talk about my understanding of flavours and how I would love experimenting with different ingredients and creating something completely new.   Trying to do things that we loved doing together. But doing them alone.  Resuming cooking and enjoying the flavours as I keep experimenting with different ingredients in my food. And somewhere feeling...that am I moving on? Am I not keeping his memory alive in me?  And then, another voice makes me go and look and his photograph and have this conversation. Ask him if he feels this way?  No clear answers as I stumble along. Finding and charting my way through th...

Gardens to me are sacred spaces Where new beginnings happen every day Where things die a little each day Where the soil gives you something everyday Where the weather laughs at you each day... In the midst of it all, One finds peace One searches for joy One reaches out to the Earth Hoping... For something she knows not what For that one thing that only the Earth can give And strangely, The Earth understands this plea And gives... Every single time. Just like Mother

Years ago, I knew (deep down in your guts, take on the world kind of knowledge) that I was destined to learn French. I was in love with the language.The food, over the top mannerisms and the Gallic exclamations - I was enchanted by all of it. I took the next logical course of applying for a language course. National level entrance exams made the entry tough - or so they said. But you know the naivety and certainty of youth, right? No, no this bit has a happy ending. I did get admission, started the course, was getting A levels; enjoying every minute of it all. So of course, I had to screw it up. Pretty much like a lot of things that I've managed to, in life. An abusive relationship, lost friends, and more. I couldn't handle it anymore and ran away.  I didn't lose weight, but I did continue running for a very long time. I didn't really find myself, neither did I know what I was looking for. Some years back though, some of it changed. I have found my so...

Oh! That's not fair. I'm not an album person at all. In fact this question was the perfect 'out' for me to not write today. However, I do love music. I listen to it at all times, in all moods and seasons - sometimes to escape reality. And sometimes to remind myself of the real world. My favourites would be a wide mix - from Hindustani Classical to Jazz.  When Rodrigo y Gabriela start playing the guitar, I wear that wide flared skirt and dance the perfect samba (or is it the salsa?). And when Pandit Jasraj sings, I'm in this saree wearing a large bindi in an almost meditative trance. Ella makes me feel loved, wanting to be loved some more and sensual. And Nina Simone starts a yearning deep down, which I rarely express knowing that it will most often be misunderstood. With Leonard Cohen, I become his groupie and travel the world with him. And yes. It's all in my head. But the places music takes me, I would never have gone otherwise. ...

My mother stayed young throughout her entire life. Not a wearing hippie clothes, doing outrageous stuff kind of young. But learning something new each year, applying that and looking at the world with fresh eyes kind of young. In comparison, I have felt old many times. When I've not risked enough, when I've not said that I'm hurt enough, or when I've not been spontaneous enough. So today (it's evening already, but who cares!), is a brand new day. I'm going to start doing at least two things that I really, really love. And the toughest part? I'll continue doing these, even when it gets tough, when I'm running short of time, when I'm running long on excuses and even when I'm not loving myself enough. Beginning with baring my soul here. Everyday.

Yes, yes - I haven't been writing. Not that I haven't penned down thoughts, or ideas, just haven't put them together in a blog post. Today though I swam through that inertia - which makes me write only long e-mails to close friends and sometimes meaningful updates on Facebook. It all started with a discussion about a particular friend who is in a troubled, unhappy marriage. I'll just call her 'S'. She is attractive, intelligent, confident, well-read, well-traveled - yes, I know, so what's the catch? The catch or the giant blip on the radar is her husband. He is ALSO attractive, intelligent, well-read....you get the drift? What he is not, is that he is not a nice person. He likes demeaning his wife, sometimes beating her and keeping her cowed down. You wouldn't think it was possible in this day and age. Not with the kind of woman I just described. But then, unfortunately, it is just so much more commoner than we think it is.  So what does make a ...

Birthday coming up sometime soon...and thoughts of growing old keep cropping up as well. Here's a list, in no particular order (excepting the first one!), which tells you why I so love the aging process...at least for now ;) 1. A fabulous, fantastic life partner who's a friend first. 2. Few, not many, friends. Friends who get my jokes, my feelings, my emotions, my happy days and not so happy days. Who're there for me...when I say that, I really do mean it...they're always there for me. 2 . Enjoying the work I do...voluntary and paid work...I am at a phase in life where I actually take on projects that I have fun writing...it's a lot of learning, a lot of unlearning and sometimes a lot of stress...but apart from all that they're always fun! 2. Finding peace within myself...being comfortable in my own skin is the biggest thing I've achieved recently...I know I need to lose some more weight, but I'm getting there...in the meantime, I'm just comforta...

We all seem to have lost our souls To mobile gadgets and handsets galore No network results in grave depression Call coming through Bring forth a wave of exhilaration Depleting charge will throw one In serious despair, which only A plug point can repair No calls? No SMSes? Result in deep despair A blip? A ring? Yippeee! Yippeee! Yeaahh!! Got an SMS the other day Alleging there's another way To talk, to communicate. Rubbish!!! I say. (received by SMS from...)

Been a long time Since I wrote Reasons are many Too many to emote Changing places Changing lives Changing paths Changing drives Writing for one As opposed to many It became personal Not to be shared with anybody All these and more Made writing seem such a chore! Not any more though. Definitely not any more!

I was surfing rather aimlessly (as usual!) And suddenly I came across Amul Ice Cream's cyber store. You can actually order ice cream online, get some extra ice cream in the bargain!!! And have it all delivered within a day to any city from Adilabad to Yeotmal . Its a district in Maharashtra. I just looked it up :) You have sugar free pro biotic ice creams (do check them out). And of course yummy stuff like chocochips ...drool away! Here's the link: http://www.amul.com/icecream/index.html Yippeeee . Horaaayyyy ! Diet..do just go away :)

The blank page looks at you You want to write But you don't know how Days pass and nights fly by The anguish you feel Is what you live by When suddenly... You fall in love All over again When suddenly... You start laughing All over again When suddenly... You start living All over again When suddenly... Your love's in love with you All over again

I've heard that peoples' likes and dislikes give you a fair idea about them. How about their favourite vegetable? Any guesses about a person whose favourite vegetable is garlic :)

The euphoria you feel When you fall in love The ecstasy you feel When you know its for keeps! The sheer happiness you feel Seeing your loved one The pleasure you get Just spending time with him The smile on your face When you think of good times The laughter bubbling forth Thinking of a lifetime with him!!!

Back again after a long time...I felt compelled to write Write about the big images the words 'social responsibility' conjure up in the minds of people. You think of this big company out to do social good in whatever small way they can. Right! I agree completely. But what happens when the product of that very company is littered all over a virginal landscape? Should the company also not educate you and me on how to best dispose the trash that they are helping us in creating? Sounds muddled? Let me give you an example... I visited Kashmir recently...and its everything the poets make it out to be...heaven on earth. Life is definitely returning to normal for the average Kashmiri and Srinagar is beginning to assume the hues of a tourist town. We were lucky to see it a little unspoiled having gone in the off season. The winter harshness gives it a stark unparralleled beauty, all its own. From Srinagar, we went further up to Gulmarg. Climbing up to its highest accesible point (13500 ...

My life has been full of conflicts lately…on the one hand I have had my life falling into place…ecstatically into place…and on the other hand I have had one of my closest friends facing a tragedy and grief…which seems insurmountable… What does one do when the person she thought was her closest counterpart, her lover, her sweetheart, her husband is no more…how does life go on for her??? I can empathise and I can grieve…but I cannot understand…for that I would have to live her life… Questions, thoughts, puzzles, all unanswered… How does life go on…when it has stopped for a few… Of course we all love again. And we all go on with our lives…I have too come up from what I thought and envisaged as complete tragedies…things that would make my life come to an end…or at least ensure that I stopped living for a long time to come… But then life has a way of falling into place…very rightly for some and limpingly for others…but it does. I know I am sounding morose and I know this is not how I usuall...

Yesterday a friend’s husband passed away in a road accident. Just like that! I pick up the phone to hear that Arun is no more… Arun of the ArunKavya couple. Arun of the Crazy Coorgi Couple (that’s how I had christened them!). Childhood sweethearts, completely in love with each other… And suddenly one half is missing… So whom am I mourning for? Arun who is not around or Kavya who is? Or am I feeling guilty about the fact that I yet continue to enjoy the small pleasures in life, when my friend is not? Read an epitaph a while back. And I think this is how I could best describe Arun. 'While alive he lived'

Read an article in the morning that got me thinking…no I wish it was something as trivial as fairness creams, or perhaps the next best thing in cornflakes. It was all about living and dying. This article hits you hard, right from its headline which screams out 'I kept saying, "Help me, help me." But no one did’ A young woman, very much like you and me…caught in a violent situation not of her own choosing…decided to act a little differently than she would otherwise have done… And that is what got me thinking…I have faced umpteen accident victims, taken them quite a few times to the hospital and have had emergency care administered to them…received their gratitude as my token…and walked away with a mental pat on my shoulders for having emerged a better person from the whole scenario! This situation was however totally different! It was wrought with violence, with a knife wound, with a person bleeding to death… What would you do if you were faced with such a situation??? Wou...

Hey! Stray thoughts that come to mind...this is one post that I will keep updating...with my thoughts and your inputs..... …the more we are taking away from Mother Nature, the more she is striking back in areas where she yet has total, absolute control! - Happiness is infectious...just like life...try it sometime!